WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Education announced sweeping reforms Monday after a national study revealed that 96% of Americans cannot name five Bia songs. Officials are calling the shortfall a “grave threat to national security and cultural literacy.”
“Other nations are outpacing us in math, science, and now Bia,” Education Secretary Miguel Cardona said during a press conference. “If we do not act, America’s children will grow up unprepared for the challenges of the 21st century playlist.”
A Nation Unprepared
A 400-page federal report released this week contained damning statistics:
- 63% of respondents listed “WAP” as a Bia song.
- 21% answered “Who?” before hanging up the phone.
- Only 4% could correctly name at least five Bia tracks, with one man in Montana listing seven unprompted. He has since been recruited as a consultant.
Accompanying charts showed a steady decline in “Bia Awareness” compared to literacy, numeracy, and even geography.
Classrooms to See Immediate Changes
Beginning fall 2026:
- Elementary students will learn Bia choruses alongside the alphabet.
- Middle schoolers will take timed quizzes where failure to name five songs results in detention soundtracked by “Whole Lotta Money.”
- High school seniors must pass a final exam titled “The Bia Regents.”
Sample test questions released by the Department included:
Q7: Name one Bia collaboration that proves you are at least culturally competent.
Q12: “Hot Cross Buns” is to nursery rhymes as ______ is to Bia.
Textbooks, Budgets, and Backlash
Publishers are rushing to meet demand. McGraw-Hill confirmed the release of The Annotated Discography of Bia (1,200 pages, $199.99), while Scholastic plans to distribute Bia: My First Songbook at elementary book fairs.
Congress approved $3.4 billion in federal funding for the initiative, covering Bia-themed marching bands, holographic lockers that play “Besito,” and subsidies for teachers forced to grade essays comparing Nice Girls Finish Last to The Odyssey.
Teachers’ unions, however, remain wary. “This is yet another unfunded mandate disguised as culture,” said one middle school English teacher. “I don’t even know five Bia songs. Am I supposed to go back to school too?”
Politics and Playlist Patriotism
The bill received overwhelming bipartisan support. One senator argued:
“If a foreign adversary ever held a gun to our heads and demanded we name five Bia songs, America would fall in minutes. This curriculum is not about music—it’s about survival.”
“China already requires its students to name five Bia songs by the age of eight. We cannot afford to lag behind.”
Political cartoons in Tuesday’s papers showed Uncle Sam sweating in a karaoke booth while frantically guessing “WAP” over and over.
The Road Ahead
Pilot programs show mixed results. In Florida, 82% of students passed the five-song challenge, though statewide spelling scores plummeted after “Besito” was mistakenly accepted as an alternative to “Biscuit.”
Still, federal officials remain confident. “This is bigger than Common Core,” Cardona declared. “This is Bia Core. And America will rise to the occasion.”
