A growing number of mental health professionals say the public conversation around men living on the “DL,” or down-low, needs to change. Instead of focusing on exposing or shaming men who privately explore relationships with other men, experts argue society should prioritize creating safe, nonjudgmental spaces where people can explore their sexuality without fear.
Dr. Marcus Ellison, a psychiatrist specializing in sexual identity and men’s mental health, says the intense focus on outing or exposing so-called DL men can cause more harm than good.
“Shame and fear don’t make people honest about their sexuality,” Ellison said. “They make people hide more. When someone feels they could lose their family, community, reputation, or even their safety, secrecy becomes a survival strategy.”
The term “DL,” which gained widespread attention in the early 2000s, often refers to men who publicly identify as straight but secretly have sex with men. The topic has frequently sparked heated debates online and within communities, particularly around issues of honesty in relationships and sexual health.
But mental health professionals say the conversation often ignores deeper social pressures that can shape a person’s behavior.
According to Ellison, many men raised in environments where homosexuality is heavily stigmatized may struggle with internal conflict for years. Some may be navigating religious expectations, family pressure, cultural norms, or fears of discrimination.
“Many of these men aren’t trying to deceive people as much as they’re trying to survive emotionally in environments that never gave them space to be honest,” he said.
Public exposure campaigns and viral social media posts aimed at identifying DL men, Ellison says, can worsen that fear.
“When the message is ‘we will expose you,’ the result is usually more secrecy, not more openness,” he explained. “That secrecy can make conversations about sexual health, mental health, and relationships even harder.”
Instead, Ellison and other experts advocate for more confidential support networks, therapy resources, and community spaces where men questioning their sexuality can talk openly without feeling attacked or judged.
Such environments, he says, can lead to healthier outcomes for everyone involved.
“When people feel safe enough to understand themselves, they are far more likely to make honest choices about their relationships and their lives,” Ellison said.
Mental health advocates emphasize that accountability in relationships remains important, particularly when honesty and consent are involved. However, they argue that focusing solely on exposure ignores the larger societal factors that push some people to hide their identities in the first place.
“Healthy conversations about sexuality require compassion,” Ellison said. “If we want honesty, we have to create environments where honesty is actually safe.”
As discussions around sexuality, masculinity, and identity continue to evolve, some experts believe shifting the focus from shame to support could help reduce stigma while encouraging healthier, more transparent relationships.
